My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
