i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I deserve this hangover.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
