Apparently you make a good broom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
