At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
