I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
