I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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