i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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