You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
