I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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