I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
