she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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