I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Two words: nipple clamps
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