Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
