two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
