So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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