Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
