how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
