I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
