I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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