I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
