ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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