and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
