how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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