you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
