"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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