I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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