This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
