we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
