she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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