I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
