i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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