I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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