You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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