Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
