so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
