you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
