whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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