sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
