How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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