Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
not ubering you a puppy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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