My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
