the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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