Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
