On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
