my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
