I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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