she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
