I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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