So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
