Pants 0. Shit 1.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
