everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
