I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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