i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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