I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is Oprah even human
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
