You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
