Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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