what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
