I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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