A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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